The Self-Help Seminar (an excerpt from Chapter Nine)

     Bernard Dauphin, a young French waiter, had been ordered by Helmut König to serve cocktails at Morningwood’s weekly self-help seminar. Al­though he had worked at only one seminar previ­ously, that experience had been sufficient for Bernard to recognize that the primary purpose of the gathering was to provide the sheltered wives of Palm Beach with the opportunity to trumpet the intellectual, emotional, and physical failings of their husbands. These self-help seminars were also one of the primary social events of the week at Morningwood, and the women who attended took the opportunity to be on display very seri­ously. Rings, bracelets, earrings, and watches fab­ricated from platinum and gold and encrusted with diamonds, rubies, and emeralds—all of these accessories served no practical purpose other than to signify the wealth of the husbands and thus serve as a source of reflected glory for the wives.
     The leader of these seminars was Dudley Drane, whose sole qualification was a certificate in massage therapy, which he displayed promi­nently at the base of his lectern. The audience would have been satisfied with any certificate, be it in pet grooming, botany, or automotive repair, because any single qualification was one more than most of them had ever held.
     Only one man was a regular attendee of these seminars. His name was Todd Flank, and the women whom he had dated referred to him as the Toxic Bachelor. He had been married while he was building his fortune in investment banking in New York, but soon after he had secured his financial future at age 39, he divorced his wife and moved to Palm Beach to enjoy an early retire­ment. He had been on the prowl ever since, and as word of his bad reputation had spread and the supply of unconquered women had dwindled, he had resorted to attending these seminars in a quest to find new blood. To the uninitiated, a few of whom could be found at each seminar, Todd Flank—with his extreme wealth, his ready wit, his trim physique, and his beautiful Italian wardrobe, not to mention his extreme wealth—was quite the catch.
     Although it was a little early in the day for cocktails, not that the time of day ever really mattered for cocktails in Palm Beach, one or two or three drinks served to relax the women and cause them to be more active participants in the seminar, which often required a great deal of role play. Dudley Drane spent very little time prepar­ing for these seminars, knowing in advance that the cocktails would release the women’s inhibi­tions and permit them to run the show for him. A few pithy comments and a selection of memora­ble aphorisms and he would be home free.
     Drane opened the seminar. “Good morn­ing, ladies and gentleman—”
     “It’s 12:45 in the afternoon, Dr. Drane, it’s not the morning. We would never have cocktails before noon!” shouted one of the women, pre­cipitating a round of titters.
     Drane consulted his watch and agreed, and then he noted, “Please, ladies, even though I do hold a certificate of qualification in a healing art, I am not a doctor, but I do appreciate the esteem in which you clearly seem to hold me. Now, to be­gin. Today’s topic is ‘Difficult Men, Easy Women: The State of Marriage in Palm Beach.’ Let me first ask if that topic brings out any feelings or thoughts in any of you.”
     “Difficult men? Difficult men? I’ll tell you about difficult men,” responded Justine Bentley with annoyance. Despite the investment of tens of thousands of dollars in cutting-edge derma­tologic procedures and an outfit that consisted of tight lavender Capri pants and a midriff shirt that was straining at the seams to support her canta­loupic breast implants, Mrs. Bentley was clearly showing her age. “All my husband ever does is sit like a lump stinking up the house with his Cuban cigars,” she continued, fuming.
     “What would you like him to do?” asked Drane.
     “I want him to go out now and then and socialize.”
     “Where would you like to go with him?”
     “Please! I don’t want to go out with him. The man is such a pill. I want him to go out and socialize and make some new friends.”
     “Wouldn’t you feel threatened if he makes some new friends? What if he finds another woman?”
     “Threatened? I HOPE he finds another woman! Or a man for that matter. That’s not un­heard of in Palm Beach, now is it?”
     Drane was perplexed. “Well, I really couldn’t say, but why on earth would you want him to find another woman?”
     Mrs. Bentley rolled her eyes at the stupidity of the question. “Because then I could be rid of him, of course. Nothing would make me happier than to be free of his cigar smoke and his obnox­ious personality forever!”
     “But what about Rodrigo, your little Cuban friend, Justine? Doesn’t he smoke cigars?” asked Prudence Pratt with a smirk.
     “He can smoke anything he wants, my dear, as long as he stays in shape. And keeps my pool clean!”
     Drane exhaled loudly. “Apparently, this topic is more complex than even I had under­stood. Why don’t we move on to our next activ­ity? As I’m sure you will all recall from our previ­ous meetings, a little role-play can really help us get to the heart of these matters. Let’s work with the issue that Mrs. Bentley just described, a per­haps unresponsive husband who smokes cigars in the house. Mrs. Bentley, if you would be so kind as to stand here next to me, I would be pleased if you would play the role of yourself. Now, we will need a man.” Drane glanced around the room. “Ah, Mr. Flank, we can always count on you to be present. Would you be willing to help us today?”
     “Of course!” responded Todd Flank as he stood up. “It would be my pleasure to help these fine women unravel the mysteries of the male psyche.”
     “Now, Mrs. Bentley,” Drane continued, “I would like you to interact with Mr. Flank—”
     “Please call me Todd. I prefer that everyone calls me Todd.”
     “Alright, I would like you to interact with Todd as you do with Mr. Bentley when he is smoking one of his cigars. How would you be­gin?”
     Mrs. Bentley’s face began to take on a red­dish hue. “Gerald, you insensitive boor, how many times do I have to tell you to take your smelly cigars outside?”
     “Now, Todd, if you can imagine yourself in Mr. Bentley’s shoes, how do you think he would respond?”
     “Well, I’m sure I would prefer to be in my own shoes; they’re crocodile, you know,” he said with a self-satisfied grin. Certain of the newer members of the audience giggled.
     “Be that as it may, please respond to Mrs. Bentley’s complaint. She just told you to take your cigar outside.”
     Flank reflected. “I would respond in this manner: ‘Justine, I am so sorry that I hurt you with my insensitive behavior. Come into my arms, I want to feel you close to me, you precious jewel.’”
     Mrs. Bentley beamed, triumphant. “Now that’s more like it!”
     Drane was not satisfied. “I’m not sure you understand the point of this exercise Mr. . . . um . . . Todd. I was hoping that you would play the role of Mr. Bentley, who Mrs. Bentley feels may be slightly unresponsive to her concerns.”
     “Slightly unresponsive?” interjected Mrs. Bentley. “What you mean to say is—”
     “Yes, yes, I understand, Mrs. Bentley,” Drane responded in a calming voice. “Todd, would you be able to try it again, with perhaps a bit more edge in your portrayal?”
     “Not if it means that I have to be cruel, Dudley. I’m a lover, not a fighter, right, baby?” he responded, looking at Mrs. Bentley.
     “How dare you call me ‘baby’?! Just because we had a little fling six months ago doesn’t mean that you have the right—”
     “Alright, alright!” said Drane. “I can see we’re getting nowhere like this. Todd, if I could ask you to return to your seat. Thank you for try­ing.” He scanned the room and noticed Bernard standing toward the back, looking on in amaze­ment.
     “Excuse me, young man, could you step forward please?”
     Bernard looked to either side of himself be­fore realizing that Drane was speaking to him. “Do you mean me?” he asked.
     “Yes, please, you’re the only remaining man present in the room, and without you our role-playing experiment will be a failure.”
     “But it would be inappropriate for me to participate in this activity. I’m an employee of the club. I could get into a great deal of trouble if I become too familiar with the members.”
     “Nonsense! Besides, if you don’t step for­ward, I’ll make sure you get into a great deal of trouble anyway.”
     Bernard shrugged his shoulders, resigned to his fate, and walked toward the front of the room.
     “What is your name, young man?” asked Drane.
     “Bernard Dauphin.”
     “And do I detect a slight accent?”
     “Perhaps. I’m from France.”
     “Ah, you’re French, perfect! You should have no trouble portraying a callous, insensitive brute.”
     “Well, I don’t think that’s a fair—”
     “Mrs. Bentley, please begin as you did be­fore.”
     “With pleasure, Mr. Drane.” She turned to­ward Bernard. “Gerald, you insensitive boor, how many times do I have to tell you to take your smelly cigars outside?”
     Bernard thought carefully before respond­ing and decided that his best option would be to follow Dudley Drane’s instructions implicitly.
     “Because without me you would have nothing. I made all of the money, I bought the house, I bought the cigars, and I will smoke them wherever I like!”
     Mrs. Bentley looked at Bernard in shock. She then slapped him so hard he saw stars, ending the seminar for the day.